I’m always a little surprised when I talk to Enneagram Nines and they say that they have a hard time making good friends. I mean, connection is so important to Nines.
But I believe that’s the very reason why it’s so hard. It feels like so much is on the line.
Combine that desire for connection with a desire to keep things predictable and peaceful, and you ironically have a recipe for a life without good friends. It feels so risky, right?
According to psychologist and friendship expert Dr. Marisa Franco, you’re not alone.
In this post, we’ll explore:
- Why friendship feels difficult for many Nines
- What Dr. Franco’s research says about adult friendship
- How you can take small, doable steps toward connection—without overwhelm
Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult?
Many adult Enneagram Nines struggle with friendship. And it makes sense, given their core fear of loss and separation, as well as a belief that friendship should happen effortlessly.
According to Dr. Marisa Franco, author of Platonic, there are several common barriers to adult friendship:
1. The Liking Gap
We tend to assume people like us less than they actually do.
This “liking gap” leads to hesitation, insecurity, and social withdrawal. You may hold back from reaching out because you’re afraid of being rejected or seen as annoying—even though most people would likely enjoy your company.
2. Fear of Rejection
Many adults avoid initiating friendship because they fear they won’t be welcomed. This fear often stops connection before it can even begin.
3. Time Pressure
As adults, we prioritize work, family, and responsibilities over friendship. But Dr. Franco argues that friendship is as essential to health as diet and exercise.
Why Friendship Is Hard for Enneagram Nines
If you’re an Enneagram Nine, you value inner peace, avoid conflict, and often put others’ needs before your own.
These strengths can also create unique challenges in friendship:
- You avoid initiating because you don’t want to impose or risk rejection.
- You sit back and wish other people would make the first or next step.
- You shrink yourself to keep the peace.
- You convince yourself you’re “fine alone.”
- You struggle to believe people truly want to know…you. You think you’re not as interesting as others.
But underneath all that is a longing to feel seen, valued, and truly connected.
Why It’s Worth the Effort (Even If It Feels Like a Lot)
Dr. Franco’s research is clear:
Friendship isn’t optional—it’s a core part of our health and happiness.
In fact, it’s even more beneficial for you than proper diet and exercise! Humans need other humans. Period.
Here’s what strong, meaningful friendships do for you:
- Lower stress, anxiety, and depression
- Improve your immune system and heart health
- Give you a sense of belonging and identity
- Increase your resilience during hard times
- Make life more joyful and meaningful
Even a small mindset shift—like believing “people might actually like me”—can make it easier to engage socially and form new friendships.
What Friendship Looks Like for Nines (And Why It Doesn’t Have to Be Loud)
You don’t need to be the life of the party.
You don’t need a huge group of friends, or daily interaction.
You just need a few steady, soul-level connections—where you feel safe, supported, and free to be yourself.
True friendship doesn’t mean sacrificing your peace.
It means finding people who make you feel more like yourself—not less.
Join me!
If you’re ready to take small, intentional steps toward better friendship—without pressure—The Art of Friendship was made for you.
This is a 6-week experience for Enneagram Nines who want:
- Real tools to create and nurture meaningful friendships
- A read-along of I’ll Be There (But I’ll Be Wearing Sweatpants) by Amy Weatherly and Jess Johnston
- Weekly journal prompts + small action steps
- Live workshops + community support
Learn more and join here
