Heather Fillmore Coaching

When You Feel Like You Don’t Belong as a Nine

When I hired my first coach, one of the biggest pain points that I wanted to work on was my feeling of not belonging. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere other than with my husband and kids. I’ve always felt like an outsider.

You might be where I was, facing this same challenge (whether as an Enneagram Nine or not) – wanting to belong and not believing that you do.

But What If This Can Change?

I’ve been working on this for a few years now, and here’s what I’m learning:

Belonging is a feeling. It’s what you feel when you think thoughts, like, “I belong with these people.”

No one can ever GIVE you that feeling.

Only you can CREATE your belonging by deliberately thinking thoughts about the people in that room, family, chat group, or world that make you feel connected with them. You create your own peace.

The fact is that you do belong.

But only when you choose to actively CONNECT everywhere you go. You’re the one who has to do it. You can’t depend on other people. They’re usually too wrapped up in their own thoughts to think about you. And PS…that doesn’t mean anything about you.

Connect to the stranger you meet. Connect when you sit down to chat at a church or work function. Connect to the people who read your social media posts. Just decide that you belong.

Your brain will offer you a million reasons that you don’t- after all, Enneagram Nines tend to be overthinkers. Just let it offer them and decide that it’s wrong. Because it is. You belong.

Create Belonging for Yourself

Connection and belonging are what I create for me, by me. I create it with the thoughts I choose and the lies that I question.

What would you be thinking if you felt connected to every person and place you entered? You might consider using these thoughts in those situations:

I belong here.

These are my people.

I can’t wait to speak to them.

I am important.

I am loved.

They are important.

I love them.

What if your beliefs that contradict these statements are just lies? What if you could truly change the way you think about yourself and others? This could even be a great affirmation practice, either before, during, or after the scenario.

Try this on. Create connection ON PURPOSE. Feel it… on purpose. Right now, wherever you are. See what happens.

You get to believe whatever you want to believe. So choose wisely. Become that peacemaker for yourself that I know you want to be, Nine.

Coaching with me may be just what you need if you are tired of always feeling like an outsider. Learn more about The Bold Nine Program that helps Peacemakers to accelerate their growth and enjoy their lives.


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