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Heather Fillmore Coaching

5 Beliefs that Make Parenthood Extra Stressful for Enneagram Type Nines

As a mom of 9, who is also an Enneagram 9, (You’d think I like that number or something!) I have to say that parenthood has felt extra stressful for me.

My poor husband carried the brunt of my disengangement for years, and it wasn’t until I started seeing my thought distortions…and questioning them, that this all-important job started feeling easier and more joyful for me.

I find it much easier now to stay regulated and present with my kids as I’ve learned to first, notice when I’m triggered, second, spend time allowing my emotions to be present, and third, notice which one of my limiting beliefs are running the show.

Here are 5 beliefs that I’ve started questioning and letting go of, layer by layer.

1. My belief that it’s my job to keep the peace at all costs:

We Nines believe that we must maintain harmony, even if it means sacrificing our own needs or desires. This belief can make it difficult to address conflicts or assert boundaries or rules with our children. I’ve found this most difficult around screentime and chores because my kids never like when I ask them to get off of screens or help around the house. Allowing my kids to feel angry, bored, or annoyed and realizing that I can allow and acknowledge their emotions while sticking to our family rules, has made a big difference in my level of stress.

2. My belief that conflict or disagreement is harmful to family dynamics:

I thought that conflict and disagreement were harmful in families and that we needed to avoid them at all costs. This belief made it really hard to mediate disagreements between my kids because I was afraid it would disrupt my family’s sense of unity and cohesion. Not true. Conflict is a very normal, healthy part of family relationships. I now take some deep breaths and allow my kids to argue, and calmly help them work it out if needed.

3. My belief that my identity is intertwined with my role as a mom:

We Nines tend to merge with everyone else and forget that we are people, too. I struggled with maintaining a sense of individuality separate from my role as a mom. This made it hard for me to pursue my personal interests outside of motherhood. As soon as I started seeing myself as a unique person with my own gifts that I could share even outside my family, I stopped feeling burnt out and resentful.

4. My belief that I had to seem like I had it all together all the time:

This one came from my One wing. Perfectionism. Trying to make others think I was nearly perfect. Exhuasting and impossible. Once I started seeing it popping up all the time it helped me to just let my kids be kids and stop trying to control what I couldn’t control.

5. My belief that my big emotions weren’t important enough to feel or express:

I thought it was OK for other people to have big emotions, but not me. if I expressed my anger or frustration, I could jeapordize my relationship with my family and disrupt the dynamic too much. This caused me to push my emotions down and distract myself from them, which made me feel resentful and act passive-aggressively.

Letting go of all of these beliefs has involved a process of really questioning them and looking for evidence to the contrary. I still get triggered sometimes, but having this self awareness and allowing myself to feel whatever I’m feeling has really helped.

Come join me at The Bold Nine Academy if you’d like some real help with feeling empowered as an Enneagram Nine.

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