Heather Fillmore Coaching

3 Ways You May Be Disregarding Your Needs as a Nine

Do you ever wonder why you get disregarded and sometimes feel invisible?

I have news that may seem like bad news, but it’s actually good news:

It’s partly your fault. You are subconsciously creating this dynamic.

The reason this is good news is that it means that you can do something about it.

Here are three ways that you may be creating this as a Nine:

1) You try to make people think that you don’t have wants or needs.

As children, many Nines either believed that their caregivers would abandon them or that somehow they would be too much trouble if they expressed their wants or needs.

So they created a survival mechanism of appearing wantless or needless.

As adults, they end up people pleasing…not sharing their true desires or having boundaries.

Do you do this? Do you forget that YOU have needs, too? It happens so easily when we’re trying so hard to make sure everyone is happy and that others are fully accepting of us. We downplay our needs. And it never ends well. We end up feeling resentment and anger.

2) You only allow yourself to give and not receive.

Because many Nines found it too hard to let people meet their emotional needs as children, their bodies memorized that feeling, and it is equally as difficult to allow people to help them as adults.

I personally have a really hard time accepting service from others. There have been times in the past when I’ve been really bogged down with hard circumstances in my life and friends have offered to bring a meal over or take a child for me, and I’ve been hesitant to let them because I don’t want to burden people.

But the real reason that I turned down help is because I wasn’t regarding myself as equally as important as them.

I was thinking I should have everything figured out and that it was my own fault that I was having a hard time.

As I’ve developed my relationship with me, it’s been easier to see my needs and allow people to help me when needed.

It’s still uncomfortable and it probably always will be, but I’m finding that receiving gets easier each time I allow it, and people say that they’re just glad they had to opportunity to serve because it brightened their day so much.

Some Nines, in an effort to make sure that they aren’t needy, end up attracting friends and romantic partners that are needy and unavailable.

They end up trying to fix them and find that it doesn’t work. It only depletes them of their energy. Then they feel exhausted and resentful.

Do you do this? Do you create codependent relationships?

There’s NOTHING wrong with you, if you do. It’s just good to be aware of. We get so stuck in our patterns that sometimes we don’t even notice what’s happening!

3) You avoid real conversations about feelings, either by pretending or retreating from people.

Oh, man. This one is tough. Why does it feel SO hard to let people SEE us?

It’s that core fear of loss or separation popping up again.

We think that if we reveal how we really feel, that the other person might quit accepting us.

Is this a hard thing for you, too?

The problem with keeping our true feelings to ourselves is that it really frustrates the other person, it makes them trust you less, and it creates a lack of intimacy and trust.

As Nines, we need to practice using candor in our communication. First gaining awareness for how we’re feeling, then sharing openly what we’re experiencing (even sharing what sensations we’re experiencing in our bodies, like a tightness in our chest or throat) and what we’re feeling and thinking.

It will feel really uncomfortable the first few times you do it. There’s no doubt about it.

But I think you’ll also feel a sense of relief just knowing that you’ve been heard… even if the other person doesn’t like what you’re sharing.

Brene Brown has some wonderful books about vulnerability that I highly recommend if this is new to you! Dearing Greatly and Atlas of the Heart are two great places to start.

So, how do you break this cycle?

First, you start regarding you. Seeing that you are a person, too.

Then, you start making your wants and needs known in the name of having real relationships, not in the name of expectations.

Because ultimately, no one can meet your needs except you.

But first, you need to feel deeply how much you matter.

If you find yourself sabotaging your own efforts to get the results that you want, please consider joining my incredible community of Enneagram Nines at ,The Bold Nine Academy. We take all of this and we dive deep and we learn and practice together what being BOLD feels like.

I hope you’ll join us.


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